Some of the best news I have had in a while is that I am getting two days at my retail job again.... if you know me I am not big on money, but everyone knows you need a little to survive. Working that two days a week lets me survive.....
I relish the role of being "the sweet guy you talk to for advice" it used to bother me, now I love it. Its because I do like attention, but also I have a strong track record of a long broken relationship that has left me emotionally psychotic and a list of failed flings and short term romances.
Wow...... that sounds pretty sad
But I'm not that sad about it, I used to use it for motivation, now I use it as a library.
Women I talk to are obviously shocked when I say that I am not that into sex or not that into having a relationship...... sometimes I'm shocked too. Its not that I am not into those things, they just are not motivation. People, not just women, need people to be unoriginal, they expect certain things from people they have just met, for girls...... they expect guys to talk to them for sex, but in a broader sense. Everyone is expecting to get used..... boys and girls meet expecting that, they ask themselves, how is this person going to try to use me?
People use each other for different things, and it seems to me people use their boyfriends or their girlfriends as blankets, or some kind of snow globe they see themselves in. I try not use people, that surprises and bothers people, I hate borrowing 5 dollars from a friend, so imagine how I may feel about meeting girls.... I guess thats why I feel that I don't need sex or romance, those words have no meaning without love, I think people try to use those words without love. It never works that way, in fact too many people use love as a word too......
There is a difference between want and need, I mean I want these things, I don't need them, I never think about them, I never think my life would be any better or worse with them...... just different, different is good...... change is good. I meet women, I am attracted to them, they are attracted to me. Everyone can meet someone...... its just that I used to feel like I need a woman in my life, and now I realize I just want someone, and I don't want someone all that bad.
There is a certain kind of selfish in me, a part of me that still feels like I need to do some things on my own..... I don't think I would be a good boyfriend right now. There is some weird mixture of arrogance and insecurity inside of me that I don't understand right now. If I can't understand myself, how I can understand anyone else? I hate when other people try to understand me, like I said they need me, you know friends and family, they feel like they need to understand me
I honestly feel that I have loved my great love already, sometimes those great loves don't work out, mine didn't. I made peace with that.....
I haven't talked about love, girls, women, sex, romance.... whatever these words represent, in a long time. These words used to be important to me, now they are just words. What they symbolize is more important, I still care about that
I feel like I am somewhere else..... not a better place, just a different one. My own parents are starting to think I need some kind of therapy. Do they mean in the literal sense? I think people try to get themselves some therapy every time they wake up, I guess I do too. Maybe its my art, maybe its me writing in this blog...... but I am trying to do something to make some sense around here.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
We would worry less about what others think of us if we realized how seldom they do
As an emerging artist, not much can beat another artist, especially someone you feel is very talented and produces great work, telling me that I am talented and I produce great work.
In the art world a confidence boost like this can be constructive from time to time. I am not the arrogant type of artist, I am the type who always feels he can be doing better or more. So it is always nice when peers or mentors have nice things to say about my work.
I was also able to talk to a big mentor of mine, and we discussed making our art first and foremost for ourselves, we need to be happy with whatever we are creating regardless of what other people may think or feel. I have noticed that how I feel about an artwork and what others say about it can go hand in hand sometimes. My happiness or lack thereof can project on the painting and then in turn get projected to the viewers.
I think I have come a long way when it comes to not caring about what other people think or say about anything I do, but I still have a long way to go. I know public and society's perception of me are going to get negative, mean, and harsh. These perceptions may eventually come from the closest of friends. They may say it to my face, they may imply it, they may just project their perceptions without knowing it. I need to be prepared and able to handle that. I need to be strong and patient. There will be people that will try to tear me down, I cannot let them. I survived these first attacks last Fall but that was just the warm up.
I can't even care what I think and feel at certain times. I am probably going to get impatient, and feel stuck, and feel like I am not doing enough, I must ignore these thoughts and feelings.
In the art world a confidence boost like this can be constructive from time to time. I am not the arrogant type of artist, I am the type who always feels he can be doing better or more. So it is always nice when peers or mentors have nice things to say about my work.
I was also able to talk to a big mentor of mine, and we discussed making our art first and foremost for ourselves, we need to be happy with whatever we are creating regardless of what other people may think or feel. I have noticed that how I feel about an artwork and what others say about it can go hand in hand sometimes. My happiness or lack thereof can project on the painting and then in turn get projected to the viewers.
I think I have come a long way when it comes to not caring about what other people think or say about anything I do, but I still have a long way to go. I know public and society's perception of me are going to get negative, mean, and harsh. These perceptions may eventually come from the closest of friends. They may say it to my face, they may imply it, they may just project their perceptions without knowing it. I need to be prepared and able to handle that. I need to be strong and patient. There will be people that will try to tear me down, I cannot let them. I survived these first attacks last Fall but that was just the warm up.
I can't even care what I think and feel at certain times. I am probably going to get impatient, and feel stuck, and feel like I am not doing enough, I must ignore these thoughts and feelings.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
We all sit here stranded, though we're all doing our best to deny it
I never thought I would live in the modern day depression.
Where blind optimism and unbridled capitalism once ruled the day, now lay pieces of worthless paper telling us what we own and reminding us we don't make anything anymore.
As a result of the ignorant greed of the few, the rest of the us..... the citizens, the common man lay stranded not in bread lines, but unemployment lines to collect food stamps to shop at walmart to buy food from distant lands.
It hurts to see people I know, and people I don't know try to do their best not to fall through the cracks, to not become statistics in this financial war. I respect and honor sacrifices they all have to make just to live, sacrifices I don't have to make because I have been put in a position by other people where I don't have to.
A combination of my own will and these recent series of unfortunate events leaves me stalled on the way to my crossroads. I know which turn I am going to take, I just can't get there to make that turn. That can be frustrating, I must remain patient
But
I hate having to bear the burden of societies expectations of what is to be my life at the age of 25. I am always split by not caring at all and caring too much, from being arrogant and being insecure, knowing what I want in life one day and not having an idea the next. Sometimes I feel naked.
Sometimes I feel like taking that short cut away from those crossroads.... but that road is unknown and I will walk it alone.
Where blind optimism and unbridled capitalism once ruled the day, now lay pieces of worthless paper telling us what we own and reminding us we don't make anything anymore.
As a result of the ignorant greed of the few, the rest of the us..... the citizens, the common man lay stranded not in bread lines, but unemployment lines to collect food stamps to shop at walmart to buy food from distant lands.
It hurts to see people I know, and people I don't know try to do their best not to fall through the cracks, to not become statistics in this financial war. I respect and honor sacrifices they all have to make just to live, sacrifices I don't have to make because I have been put in a position by other people where I don't have to.
A combination of my own will and these recent series of unfortunate events leaves me stalled on the way to my crossroads. I know which turn I am going to take, I just can't get there to make that turn. That can be frustrating, I must remain patient
But
I hate having to bear the burden of societies expectations of what is to be my life at the age of 25. I am always split by not caring at all and caring too much, from being arrogant and being insecure, knowing what I want in life one day and not having an idea the next. Sometimes I feel naked.
Sometimes I feel like taking that short cut away from those crossroads.... but that road is unknown and I will walk it alone.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Yes We Did
It is amazing how inspirational and uplifting our new president can be. No matter how insecure or afraid of life I have been lately, he seems to make me feel a strong sense of hope and an urge to better myself. He makes me believe I am capable of anything....
Thank you Mr. President
Thank you Mr. President
Thursday, January 15, 2009
The real world is in the rear view mirror and gaining speed.......
It has been an eye opening and sobering last few months. But I would not say it has been a bad thing or it has made me sad or angry or upset really. Sobering is definitely the best word, because I am glad my 25 year hangover is wearing off.
Writing my parents checks has definitely been weird, it has also been something I have been very happy to do, but it also means they really can't help me out anymore. So I catch myself wondering more than usual(which is never) what is next?
I have goals..... how do I get there?
My principles and philosophies are almost literally starving me, but I can't change who I am and how I feel about everything that is life.
My flashlight is just slowly dimming, I see less and less things that are farther away from me
It has been an eye opening and sobering last few months. But I would not say it has been a bad thing or it has made me sad or angry or upset really. Sobering is definitely the best word, because I am glad my 25 year hangover is wearing off.
Writing my parents checks has definitely been weird, it has also been something I have been very happy to do, but it also means they really can't help me out anymore. So I catch myself wondering more than usual(which is never) what is next?
I have goals..... how do I get there?
My principles and philosophies are almost literally starving me, but I can't change who I am and how I feel about everything that is life.
My flashlight is just slowly dimming, I see less and less things that are farther away from me
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Quinn Thumb the Vagabond
I think I am leaning towards becoming a vagabond or bohemian gypsy, or if your not into the label thing like myself, I want to become someone who travels the world, living paycheck to paycheck, working odd jobs, trying to sell my art, trying to play my music.
But fear keeps me at bay, fear of losing the comfortable life I live, with supportive family and friends, with a home to go to every night and food to eat every day. But life has become a little less comfortable lately and as a result I am starting to gain a little courage to be more spontaneous if not to become a vagabond bohemian gypsy.
I also wouldnt want to be completely alone when traveling, and I don't think anyone is going to drop what they are doing and backpack around Europe with me. My most spontaneous friend is Jason, he is always up for adventure, even when I am not..... but I am sure even he has his limits.
I feel my school, work, and even my bands just keep me tied to where I am. For example I would love to do some vagabonding this weekend, but I have band practice and work this whole weekend.
I am the cross roads
But fear keeps me at bay, fear of losing the comfortable life I live, with supportive family and friends, with a home to go to every night and food to eat every day. But life has become a little less comfortable lately and as a result I am starting to gain a little courage to be more spontaneous if not to become a vagabond bohemian gypsy.
I also wouldnt want to be completely alone when traveling, and I don't think anyone is going to drop what they are doing and backpack around Europe with me. My most spontaneous friend is Jason, he is always up for adventure, even when I am not..... but I am sure even he has his limits.
I feel my school, work, and even my bands just keep me tied to where I am. For example I would love to do some vagabonding this weekend, but I have band practice and work this whole weekend.
I am the cross roads
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Have no fear of perfection...... you'll never reach it
So..... 2009. I guess we should start with resolutions are things I want to give up or add on to my life.
Things I want to give up:
1. video games - something once fun to do has now become just a bad habit for me.
2. cut down the fast food - trying to eliminate this completely immediately is simply unrealistic for me, but cutting down on it and choosing healthy when I do (ex. salad instead of burger) is better way of slowly cutting out fast food all together.
3. falling asleep to movies - I cut out tv shows successfully in the last year, now its time for movie watching, I want to try another way to fall asleep rather than to a film. (even though I love films)
Things I would like to do more of or add to my life:
1. Reading - I think this will replace video games rather well, I got a Bob Dylan and Bukowski book for Christmas, I intend to read both and then re read The Catcher in the Rye, after that who knows.
2. Art - This won't be too hard because I am in love with making art, I don't just love it I am in love with it. The way I used to love basketball and music as a boy is the way I love art now. I love being an artist. Also I have 5 art classes this semester so that will help make this easier too. I used to wonder how or why I have been in community college for so long, Art is the answer... I now found my passion in life and academia. Besides making the art I really want to spend time promoting and selling the art this year, this is want I want to do with my life so I need to get myself out there! I am going to make buisness cards, and official website(myspace isnt bad since its free but I need to take a step up), go to art fairs, try to get gallery showings. I think the art I am making is pretty good right now, but I think it is still missing something.... I want to find out what it is this year.
3. Reinvest in my music - Unfortunately this might mean looking around for another band to play with. I love Kimpeek and the Invisible Band and all of the members involved in those projects, but I love playing music, I love being on stage playing in front of my friends and family and everyone else. And being a drummer you need people to play with. I also want to finish learning the piano, I am half-way there and was pretty decent at one point, I figured if I work hard at for most of this next year I could start writing songs. Lastly I will be getting turntables this year. Being a DJ has been a childhood dream that I never pursued, and I am tired of putting it off.
4. Reinvest in my writing - I unfortunately think this does not mean poetry. All indications by school faculty and friends tell me that this is not my strongest area in the writing world. However I feel, along with the same people, that I have potential in short stories and maybe someday a novel. I have written two short stories in the last year and both were recieved well. I have two in the works this year, and who knows..... maybe one will evolve into a novel.
5. Getting back into athletic shape - I am not high on physical apperances in general, so this is more for feeling good rather than looking good(even though probably wouldn't hurt) I coach basketball, I plan on playing it again soon, and I play city league baseball now(I got picked up as a free agent, I am soo excited!) I am also a big believer that my physical shape will greatly aid in the developlment of my mental and artistic abilities.
6. Let things happen to me - I have been successful at making things happen, but that is different than letting things happen to me, or in other words, I need to live a little more fearless. Not be afraid of the unknown as much. I think you have to let both good and bad things happen to you in order to grow as a person.
So I guess thats the plan for 2009, let see if it gets executed
Things I want to give up:
1. video games - something once fun to do has now become just a bad habit for me.
2. cut down the fast food - trying to eliminate this completely immediately is simply unrealistic for me, but cutting down on it and choosing healthy when I do (ex. salad instead of burger) is better way of slowly cutting out fast food all together.
3. falling asleep to movies - I cut out tv shows successfully in the last year, now its time for movie watching, I want to try another way to fall asleep rather than to a film. (even though I love films)
Things I would like to do more of or add to my life:
1. Reading - I think this will replace video games rather well, I got a Bob Dylan and Bukowski book for Christmas, I intend to read both and then re read The Catcher in the Rye, after that who knows.
2. Art - This won't be too hard because I am in love with making art, I don't just love it I am in love with it. The way I used to love basketball and music as a boy is the way I love art now. I love being an artist. Also I have 5 art classes this semester so that will help make this easier too. I used to wonder how or why I have been in community college for so long, Art is the answer... I now found my passion in life and academia. Besides making the art I really want to spend time promoting and selling the art this year, this is want I want to do with my life so I need to get myself out there! I am going to make buisness cards, and official website(myspace isnt bad since its free but I need to take a step up), go to art fairs, try to get gallery showings. I think the art I am making is pretty good right now, but I think it is still missing something.... I want to find out what it is this year.
3. Reinvest in my music - Unfortunately this might mean looking around for another band to play with. I love Kimpeek and the Invisible Band and all of the members involved in those projects, but I love playing music, I love being on stage playing in front of my friends and family and everyone else. And being a drummer you need people to play with. I also want to finish learning the piano, I am half-way there and was pretty decent at one point, I figured if I work hard at for most of this next year I could start writing songs. Lastly I will be getting turntables this year. Being a DJ has been a childhood dream that I never pursued, and I am tired of putting it off.
4. Reinvest in my writing - I unfortunately think this does not mean poetry. All indications by school faculty and friends tell me that this is not my strongest area in the writing world. However I feel, along with the same people, that I have potential in short stories and maybe someday a novel. I have written two short stories in the last year and both were recieved well. I have two in the works this year, and who knows..... maybe one will evolve into a novel.
5. Getting back into athletic shape - I am not high on physical apperances in general, so this is more for feeling good rather than looking good(even though probably wouldn't hurt) I coach basketball, I plan on playing it again soon, and I play city league baseball now(I got picked up as a free agent, I am soo excited!) I am also a big believer that my physical shape will greatly aid in the developlment of my mental and artistic abilities.
6. Let things happen to me - I have been successful at making things happen, but that is different than letting things happen to me, or in other words, I need to live a little more fearless. Not be afraid of the unknown as much. I think you have to let both good and bad things happen to you in order to grow as a person.
So I guess thats the plan for 2009, let see if it gets executed
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