Everyone one is making love or else expecting rain

Some of the best news I have had in a while is that I am getting two days at my retail job again.... if you know me I am not big on money, but everyone knows you need a little to survive. Working that two days a week lets me survive.....

I relish the role of being "the sweet guy you talk to for advice" it used to bother me, now I love it. Its because I do like attention, but also I have a strong track record of a long broken relationship that has left me emotionally psychotic and a list of failed flings and short term romances.

Wow...... that sounds pretty sad

But I'm not that sad about it, I used to use it for motivation, now I use it as a library.

Women I talk to are obviously shocked when I say that I am not that into sex or not that into having a relationship...... sometimes I'm shocked too. Its not that I am not into those things, they just are not motivation. People, not just women, need people to be unoriginal, they expect certain things from people they have just met, for girls...... they expect guys to talk to them for sex, but in a broader sense. Everyone is expecting to get used..... boys and girls meet expecting that, they ask themselves, how is this person going to try to use me?

People use each other for different things, and it seems to me people use their boyfriends or their girlfriends as blankets, or some kind of snow globe they see themselves in. I try not use people, that surprises and bothers people, I hate borrowing 5 dollars from a friend, so imagine how I may feel about meeting girls.... I guess thats why I feel that I don't need sex or romance, those words have no meaning without love, I think people try to use those words without love. It never works that way, in fact too many people use love as a word too......

There is a difference between want and need, I mean I want these things, I don't need them, I never think about them, I never think my life would be any better or worse with them...... just different, different is good...... change is good. I meet women, I am attracted to them, they are attracted to me. Everyone can meet someone...... its just that I used to feel like I need a woman in my life, and now I realize I just want someone, and I don't want someone all that bad.

There is a certain kind of selfish in me, a part of me that still feels like I need to do some things on my own..... I don't think I would be a good boyfriend right now. There is some weird mixture of arrogance and insecurity inside of me that I don't understand right now. If I can't understand myself, how I can understand anyone else? I hate when other people try to understand me, like I said they need me, you know friends and family, they feel like they need to understand me

I honestly feel that I have loved my great love already, sometimes those great loves don't work out, mine didn't. I made peace with that.....

I haven't talked about love, girls, women, sex, romance.... whatever these words represent, in a long time. These words used to be important to me, now they are just words. What they symbolize is more important, I still care about that

I feel like I am somewhere else..... not a better place, just a different one. My own parents are starting to think I need some kind of therapy. Do they mean in the literal sense? I think people try to get themselves some therapy every time they wake up, I guess I do too. Maybe its my art, maybe its me writing in this blog...... but I am trying to do something to make some sense around here.